‘Where are you actually from?’

This question can seem innocuous; it’s just someone asking about a person’s ethnic heritage - just a way to get to know someone. This question carries much more weight for people of color who fall between races, Asians or Hispanics/Latinos. 

I’ll explain with an example from my life. I get asked this question consistently and have for my entire life. Often people would say, “I saw you and thought you were Hispanic, but when I heard you talk, you don’t sound Spanish. Where are you from?” I would respond New Jersey, and I would get, “No, where are you really from? Like, where’s your family from?”. Hearing this repeatedly is frustrating, why don’t I get to be American? Why must I qualify my existence over and over? 

In her interview with Business Insider, Dr. Ashley Lauren Pennington said, “The wrong here is that the question presupposes that being a person of color is inconsistent with being American.”

“The next time you want to inquire about someone’s race, ethnicity, or national origin, ask yourself: Why do I want to know?” Tanzina Vega in CNN wrote. “Or better yet, rather than asking anyone ‘where are you really from?’ try listening — or letting that person ask you a question — instead.”

What to say instead: Nothing. If you want to know more about a person, get to know them, and it will come up naturally. If you are asking to categorize them more easily in your mind, then don’t ask!